jumping on the bandwagon

Mel and Betel are both doing this, so why not, I've been off the radar for long enough...

1. First Name: Elizabeth, nickname: E, Eli, Eliz, Echan, E-chan, Gexx (long story)

2. Age: 24 going on 82

3. Location: Knoxville

4. Occupation: Government CR lab minion and Museum Educator

5. Partner: in romance? none ; in crime? everyone

7. Brothers/Sisters: One little brother (if little is 6'2")

8. Pets:
Orion: gray cat
Neci: black, brown, orange, and white cat

9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:

1) Grad school... eventually it will be over
2) Dave's visiting!
3) I love my hair!
4) *He* texted me!
5) My house is so dirty
(if you can't tell, grad school is my life)

My life:
Grad School. 2 cats. Dinner parties (August 29, Pirates and Zombies). Music shows. Hanging out with friends. Book club.

Living arrangements:
Myself. 2 cats. 800 square feet house. Big as fuck yard. I hate grass. Call me a neo-urban anti-savannah whatever you want. i HATE grass. It's ecologically unsound. It's ugly. It requires too much maintaining.

10. Where and for what did you go to school?:
Milton Area Senior High School: for my dose of angst and disillusionment
SUNY Albany: to dig holes and write on rocks
UTenn: to pull my hair out.

11. Parents:
Mom and Dad. Both 10 hours away. See them occasionally.

12. Who are some of your closest friends?:
Old school: Betel, Mel, Karla, Dave, Theresa
In Kville: come visit on 7PM on Monday nights. Those are the people who "Know (me) well, but like (me) anyways" (Shamrock, Cutthroat c. 2007, Personal communication.)

welcoming me back

I don't have the internet at my house just now. I will, I swear. My grandfather is insisting on it. I'm not totally sure what to think of this, but he's giving me money for an internet connection. I really don't want to accept it. It's not the "I have standards" thing. I just feel horrible taking people's money. It makes me feel like a failure, that I can't support myself. I always want to. That is why I always felt so odd when Aaron would insist on us going out, but I would say "I can't afford it," and he would say he would pay. That is why I always stressed cooking for him (and his friends) whenever I could, asking what he would want. It was my way of balancing the resource-karma that flowed around us.

But for now I'm trying to get a little back into this slice-of-life / soapbox journal that I call a blog.

I've been a little angsty lately, and I hope that everyone, including me, will forgive me. It's not just about boys, I swear. There's some money problems, I think I'll work that out. I need some time for that. I'll just have to take out loans this year and be very careful with the cash. There's also some medical things, beyond just the general maintaining a static level of health. I'm not quite ready to talk about them just yet, and I might not ever want to. Hopefully when it all plays out there's nothing left to talk about.

I won't deny, however, that a certain male has been burrowing into my worries.

Wednesday, I got back from work a little late, and I was exhausted. Therefor, all I wanted to do was go to bed. I got home locked the door (so I thought) and turned off all the lights except for the one next to my bed (so I thought) and then got ready for bed. I normally leave the light on in the bathroom, as that's where the litter box is, and I don't want to make it any more difficult than I must for the cats to shit on target. I read about 5 pages in my book and realized that it just wasn't happening, so I turned off the light. I noted (so I thought) how dark it was without the bathroom light - which meant without ANY light. My house is so small that any light is noticable in any room. I woke up again in the middle of the night, stumbling to the bathroom without any light. I wish I noticed what time it was, but as I fell asleep by 10, it was probibly sometime between midnight and 2. The next morning I wake up and stumble around, I was late so the sun was already up. I pulled on clothes, did the bathroom thing in the dusk, and walked into my living room where

the light was on.

My living room light is a dimmer switch by my front door. It creeped me out, and I checked my door. The chain was in place, but the locks were undone. Now, I've gone and occasionally, very occasionally, when I'm dead tired, forget to lock both the door knob and the deadbolt, but ALWAYS when I come in the house, the doorknob gets locked automatically on closing the door. It's just part of the motion: open, swap hand to other side, close door, as hand leaves door give the lock switch a twist. But the previous night I was carrying... something... ::thinks:: I had a load of books from my car. So I kicked the door shut so the cats wouldn't get out. So, it was locked by just the chain all night. The chain allows the door to open up a good 5 inches, but (true to the concept) if one attempts to undo the chain, it can only be done when the door is fully closed.

I spend the day telling myself that I'm paranoid, that I was so tired I didn't notice the little bit of light in the evening. But, it wasn't a little bit of light. It was the ceiling light fully turned on.

I try to figure out who would do this, if I was correct in the lights being off when I went to sleep. Perhaps I did it in my sleep? Aaron turned off the air conditioner once in his sleep. But I've never done anything like that that I know of. Plus, I believe that drinking was involved in his instance.

In the two years I've lived in this house, I've never had a problem with people trying to break in. I've had some solicitors who were overly aggressive, and that's it's own BlogTherapy session, but even when my brother left the back door totally unlocked before a weekend in Georgia for a wedding, there was never a problem. I leave stuff on my front porch for weeks on end, and nothing is ever touched.

Up until this break up. A keeps showing up. But, it was Wednesday night, he's supposed to be in Cookeville, as he's working in Xville and living at his dad's. Right? It bugs me all day Thursday, and with my other angsting, I call up A's sis-in-law C, partially for affirmation that he wasn't in town, partially to ask her how she can be such a stable, self assured individual... I was angsting really really bad and needed some advice. I had talked myself to the point where I realized that I just wasn't getting anything. Partially, also, to see if she was going to go see SotS on Satureve. Well, she was busy with a bunch of people (or was this when it went to non-voice mail, I had called her earlier in the week about the SotS thing and one or the other happened so I needed to call her back about it anyways). So I went to bed, trying to convince myself that I was mistaken. I somehow manage to sleep, I don't know how, smaller things have left me sleepless for weeks. And on Friday I go, get my hair done, and call C again, leaving a voice mail at this time, and she calls me back, a little rushed.

Then she started talking about how A was such an arse on Wednesday night when they were cleaning out his Knoxville apartment. I check that yes, it was Wednesday night. That he had left said apartment at early morning hours and headed out to get some sleep. I tell C about my discovery in the morning, and she pointed out the one thing that made me actually think it was possible: he has very "delicate" arms, turning on my light would not be a problem. Also, he's been odd, looking for reasons to show up... toilet paper my arse.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but it had me rather creeped out. It's good to know that he really has no reason to be in Knoxville anymore except for visiting his brother, who knows and (as far as I've gathered from N and C (and A and M and J)) is very discouraging of him bothering me... for all of our sakes.

At my neighbor's house

I locked my keys in my house and me out of the house. It's sorta funny because I've actually had a habit of locking them *out* and then looking for them all through my house before I realize that I left them in the door as I brought a couple loads in.

So my neighbor was nice enough to let me stay in her house, it's rather buggy. She fell asleep while watching Dora the Explorer with her daughter. They're (they being the characters) are singing some song about open close and up down opposites.

I called my friend who has an extra set of my keys, so I'm not stuck in here for a while. I just feel bad bc she's out doing dinner with her dad, it's his 60th birthday!! I'll be missing my belly dance lesson, that starts in about 5 minutes. But I figured it was either that or break a window. And, well, I'm a little lazy. Not in the missing the lesson aspect, but in the replacing the window.

I've also got a bit of an issue with personal security. Being all like, normal and that.

It's been a while since I've updated, and even longer since I've *really* updated. A lot has happened since then. I've been broken up with, I'm tired, and I'm dealing with school loans. I need to sit down with a finance officer at the school and go through some of this. Stupid economy.

I'm tired, I feel so far behind, I really don't know what I'm doing here.

I know it sounds like too much whining, but I'm just really... down.

I could use a hug and a bit of self-realization.

Have you ever sat down and realized that you've gone and done most everything in the last 6 months with the only thought, "I wonder what X will think of me. I want X to be happy. I want X to like me." After the break up I realized that after a certain arguement with the boy back in November, that's what my mindset became. So now I'm trying to figure out how to recover all that time, with the little money I have.

I need to get back on track.

It's MY FAULT for letting myself fall into that.

taxes...

I just filed my... tax REFUND!

I'm getting money back this year. This is nice.

Now for the FAFSA...

food and fooding

Aaron has moved to Knoxville. He and his housemate live about 4 minutes from my house. It's very convenient for multiple reasons, especially with a few odd personal things I've been dealing with and a really bad freak out I had the other week. The most selfish thing, however, which may very well be my downfall is that these two men like to eat. They aren't picky much. So I get to experiment. I hate cooking new things for myself because recipes are always for more than one serving, and I don't want to dirty all sorts of dishes just for one meal. This way, I get all sorts of meals from one set of cooking. I've made them chicken soup, chicken pie, pizza, and a few other things. They're *right there*. It's marvelous.... I need to make something for myself tonight, though. I have some soups in the fridge, but I think I'll freeze one up and make myself somehting from the freezer.

Also, I am starting a tastebook. www.tastebook.com . let me know if you want to be added as a friend. Or, you can start your own and add me as yours. My email address is my first initial followed by my last name at gmail's service. You'll get all sorts of good stuff there.

cooking and critters

Last night, after I had cooked dinner and was mixing my flax seeds with some granola that I wanted to add to yogurt for breakfast (I'm trying to get back to good eating habits), I needed a teaspoon. I rummaged around in my drawer some, pulled it out all the way and grabbed the spoon. I noticed little brown specks. "Huh, I must have spilled some spices when the drawer was half open." Closer investigation determined that no, I hadn't spilled anything. I had a critter that made its way into my drawers. I pull out the drawer and the silverware drawer next to it. Sure enough, in the back, little mouse turds. Annoyed would be an understatement. I mean, aren't my cats supposed to eat the mice? What about all the snakes in my yard? Well, I pull the drawers out and put them in the dining room, grimicing at the dishes I needed to to before I could attack them. I pulled everything off the counter on top of the drawers and there were little mouse leftovers there too. Also, they had gotten into the box of stuffing that I had left on the counter, and there were half eaten pieces of stuffing up there. I cleaned up that counter, disinfected it and everything that was on it, and then proceeded to investigate my shelves. The shelves both above and below the drawers and counters were free of any mice droppings, thankfully, which means that they weren't interested in my dishes (should I be insulted?). The mice poo wasn't there the other week when I cleaned up for my parents. Which would make sense, as it's been too cold for the snakes in my yard to intercept them since then. It might also explian why I've been finding my kittens on my counter. So this is new. Are the mice still there? I don't know, I'll be putting out traps for them. Hopefully I don't catch any. I would rather they just leave on their own. But, I can't have them running free in my house. I had prided myself at avoiding all infestations, even after the way Justin had left it last jan/feb/mar. My parents can't know. When I get back from work, I'll be disinfecting the other counters too. Just in case.

your regular feminist rag

So... I am a feminist, no doubt about that. And as I cannot spend my days perusing national and international news to see what is being done with, for, and against the cause of preventing structural violance from being imposed on anyone based on their race, class, or gender, I let other people do it for me. Sure, I could be told that I'm not the most devout, but at the moment I'm a grad student and have limited time. I've been following two main sites:

Feministe

and

feministing

I like both. I really like both. And while they do a good job keeping up with main 3rd wave feminist points and news, they both delve into misogyney and general hate crimes. Smart, active people run both sites, people who are well known for their activism in these causes. But... they both seem to have the same stories.

Which isn't a problem. They do talk about things that are local to me when something big happens, but it got me searching for another site that would be even more relevent to this east tennessee female. Browsing their sidebar lists of links, I found one. TN Guerrilla Women. I was so excited! I clicked on it, expecting to find more about the stuff going on in state government, like abortion limitations. Or about local crazy events, like purity balls. Things that build off of feminist topics of possession of one's body. Instead, the moderators have turned it into a "yay Hillary" site. Not one mention of this week's overturned attempt at limiting abortions. I didn't see a clip of our own state rep talking about how rape today really isn't rape, because the women who get raped today are sluts who are asking for it. No, simply blind Hillary mania and Obama bashing. Limited substence except for clips of debates. The moderators are allowed to have their opinion, they do run the site. But, I'm not obligated to like it. So I'm no longer reading it. I wish I could find another site.

the week...

So, things have been up and down for the last week or so. I’ve definitely dealt with my share of self drama for the year, and it’s not even Valentine’s Day. In fact, my face is a damn journal of all my worries, and I’ve broken out to the point where I’ve gotten so many zits that I even have one in my EAR that won’t go away. Every now and again I get all hypochondriatic about it and wonder if it’s going to abscess into my skull. I figure that’ll be an interesting skeletal marker as well as a good excuse as to why my school work has stopped.

It hasn’t stopped, though, not at all. I’m working on a paper right now.

Anyway, my parents are coming into town this week. This is the first time my father is visiting me in TN. The occasion? My brother is graduating from shoot-em-up camp at Ft Benning. That’s right, the one time my father is taking time to come see my house is actually just a way point in congratulating his son for being able to follow directions. I’m not bitter, only frustrated. They have also tried to get me to send my cats away for the week, but it’s very simple that I won’t. I will keep the cats out of the bedroom, however, so that they can have a kitten free space. I try hard, I really really do.

So, this weekend will be spent cleaning… my house is a mess, my kitchen smells of fish, my basement insulation needs to be finished, all sorts of stuff. My motivation is that I want to have a dinner party on Saturday night. I feel like making chicken pie. mmmmmm

rate my daemon

please

Roe Day - Blog for Choice

On the 35th anniversary of Roe v Wade, NARAL asks "tell us, and your readers, why it's important to vote pro-choice."

"The right to swing my fist ends where the other person's nose begins." The one thing that I remember from 7th grade constitutional history. This view was expressed by one of America's "founding fathers." It is the basis for my political views.

"A girl scout leaves a place better than when she found it." I was one. And yes, we did always strive to improve our surroundings, our situations, and ourselves. In order to do this, women can not be restricted in choice.

The importance of voting pro-choice is not related to the "for abortion or against abortion" arguement. Not all pro-choicers feel that fetuses (feti?) should be ripped from the mother's womb and tossed into a barrel of burning bras. No, instead, it is, as the position states, a decision of choice. A woman has the option, if she decides it is best for her, to terminate a pregnancy. The interesting part here, is (while this might not stand true for everyone, I am going by common sense, which can be dangerous in itself), an individuals' decision (here with this decision said individual will be female simply by anatomical and biological possibilities) will include more than just herself as in one singular person. It will include considerations abotu her extant relationships, her extant situation, how it will effect her future, and how her current situation will effect a completed pregnancy. It offers a choice, not a forced course of action. This is body politics, attempting to remove the ability to persue a medical procedure. An individual's choice will not effect another's morality. If an woman does not wish to terminate her pregnancy but will instead carry her child to term for any reason, even if she feels it is morally wrong to abort the fetus, that is her choice. Her decision will not in any way affect others, other than through example.

ProLife is not the opposing party to ProChoice. It is instead twisted rhetoric to avoid using "anti choice." After all, wasent being for choices what America was based on? Why would any of these individuals, often chosing this topic because of a religously influence morality, want to be seen as anti-american. Instead, they choose to couch the arguement in terms of Choice and Life. But, to be pro-choice is not to be anti-life. Just as pro-life is not about allowing all to live. It instead revisualizes the mother as simply a "walking womb" where her personal needs are not the priority, including the at risk mother's need to live without (possibly fatal)physical trauma, or even an abused woman's right to live without psychological trauma.

When asked where I stand, I am strongly ProChoice. But, I could not imagine having an abortion. Not to say that I am against the procedure, but I have not been placed in a situation where I must make a decision to remove a fetus or keep a child. I simply can't make that decision yet. But, I want the option there, in case that is in fact the best decision for me. I want the option there because it is, in fact, the best decision for others.

Comparing the procedure to others cheapens it. But to be anti choice can be compared to being anti-prosthesis or even anti implants (medical, not cosmetic). My second quote in the introduction: without this procedure, women are forced by structural violence to be

At the same time, body politics can be compared to piercings and other cosmetic procedures or personal substance use, sexual preference, or even a personal choice to not visit a doctor. It does not effect others. It is an individual's choice. With these decisions, they are still functioning in society. My first quote in the introduction: the government was never intended to restrict the choices of the people. Instead, it provided a structure to facilitate orderly improvement and development of individuals.

Some individuals were escaping other structural violence. Why is the US government attempting to recreate this? Other individuals were willing to risk and postone typical family and social roles to seek their future. Why is the US governement attempting to stifle this?


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I apologize if my commentary is not ground shaking. But, at least, it raised my voice, bolstering those with better narrative skills than myself.